THE MIRROR - PROTECTION OF PERFECTION?
As adults why do we do what we do?
Every individual comes from a different background with different childhood experiences. Even children who grow up in the same household can have completely different childhood experiences. For example, I know my sister and I have very different interpretations of our childhood, especially since our parents' post-90s divorce. It would not be fair for me to comment on her experience but conversations have led me to conclude we have different interpretations. For me, I have experienced many years of going without, and I have referenced this scarcity in other posts; therefore, I will not elaborate on it further. In the context of this post, I grew up in an environment where many of my basic human needs were not met. When you dissect the basic human needs, one could argue that none my needs were met.
Let us take a moment to review Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a psychological theory developed by Abraham Maslow that explains human motivation as a progression through five levels of needs. The model is often depicted as a pyramid, with the most basic needs at the base.
At the foundation are physiological needs such as food, water, and shelter—essentials for survival. Once those are met, individuals seek safety and security, followed by love and belonging, which includes relationships and connection. Next comes esteem, which involves self-respect and recognition from others. At the top is self-actualization—the desire to realize one's full potential and live a purposeful life.
Maslow's theory suggests that people are motivated to fulfill lower-level needs before focusing on higher-level growth, emphasizing that well-being and fulfillment come from balancing all layers of human need. When you grow up without enough to fuel an adequate development, you then become an adult who is worried about everything being perfect because your basic needs were never met. This creates a sense of scarcity, and you feel like you will never have enough. However, at the end of the day, you can realize that you can replace things when they're broken. You can replace you enjoy clothes that may not fit. Be too small, or too big.
Physiological needs include items such as food, water, and shelter. I believe Mr. Maslow based his position on quantity rather than quality. For example, food, water, and shelter are could be present in one’s life but at was it enough to fuel adequate development. What was the quality of the food an individual had growing up? Yes, they might have received "food", but was it really considered nutrition? During my childhood, we had food, but the quality of the food was inferior. I grew up on microwaveable TV dinners and an endless access to junk food. Yes, all “food”, but it is not the type of food that would fuel the necessary growth for a child to develop and succeed. What if the house had a roof over it, but within those walls, there was significant abuse? Shelter, yes, protection, no. When basic needs are not met, humans tend to search for meaning in their environment. We find ourselves struggling to make sense of everything. My husband said it best when he said my life - 'It's based on surviving, not thriving. We rely on mental defense mechanisms to fill in the gaps in our development. Because of my difficult upbringing, I have learned that structure and control over my environment help me feel like I have regulation. I remember that I used to rearrange my room or hyper-clean it. My room at the age of 16 was the only environment I could directly control. The rearranging or hyper-cleaning was my attempt to control my environment. I like order, cleanliness, and organized clutter, but I don't want items to be out of place or misplaced.
We tend to rely on these defense mechanisms to cover up the negative aspects of our psyche which are often rooted from childhood. For example, growing up in a low-income household, I learned that keeping things organized and clean, as well as maintaining them, made me feel better about my situation. I would create a well-maintained environment (my room), and it would make me feel like I had "some" control over what was happening. I would burn incense or candles to mask the house smells, and I would volunteer to clean areas of the home that would be visited when friends came over. I would create illusions that everything was in order when, in reality, my visitors could see from the very moment they walked in the door that things were not ok. I needed help. I needed structure, and I needed the quality of my basic needs to be nourishing. I needed to thrive, not just survive. As an adult disorganization and clutter reverts my reptile brain back to a younger version of “Clyde”.
The protection of perfection is absolute because, to me, it is a matter of survival. If I present as a put-together, well-developed, intelligent being, I will have a better chance of succeeding in life. Born into a life where the odds were stacked against me, I have a real struggle with most things, and I need to learn to abandon the need for others' approval. Names are living rent-free in my head, referring to individuals I feel threatened by. Three in particular. So how do I overcome it?
I know I often fixate on the opinions of a few specific individuals when those people represent something psychologically meaningful to me, such as:
Approval, I didn't receive consistently growing up
A desire to belong or feel "good enough"
Fear of disappointing others
Patterns of people-pleasing or perfectionism
Anxiety tied to social rejection
I feel this isn't a personal flaw — it's a learned survival strategy. And the good news is: learned patterns can be unlearned.
Also, I am pretty sure I suffer from approval-seeking, which usually starts from:
Childhood environments where love felt conditional
Feeling responsible for others' emotions
Being praised mainly for achievements
Experiences where belonging meant conformity
Understanding and writing about the origin helps me loosen the pattern and I don't want to stop caring about what anyone thinks — I want to care in a balanced way. I want to trust myself more than I fear judgment. I want to feel anchored in who I am becoming. And that is 100% possible.
What I am looking for is complete autonomy from other people's opinions about what my life looks like or how I live. I need to relinquish all control and influence of other people's opinions about me and my choices. I don't know why I get so caught up in what other people think about me and my decisions. What others think about me is none of my business, and I don't need people in my life who make me feel less than adequate at anything I do. I am so tired of living through others and being in a position where I am constantly seeking approval from others for my own actions and existence, which is ridiculous.
Coming to understand my own history through the lens of Maslow's Hierarchy has been both grounding and liberating. For so long, I internalized the belief that my need for control, order, approval, and "perfection" reflected something flawed within me. But now I see these patterns for what they truly are: adaptive responses to a childhood where basic needs were met in quantity but not in quality, where survival overshadowed thriving, and where emotional security was inconsistent or absent.
These realizations don't erase the past, but they do give me the power to reframe my response to the world today. I no longer want to live in a state of hypervigilance—constantly scanning for approval, adjusting to others' expectations, trying to fix, clean, or perfect my environment to feel worthy or safe. That version of survival kept me afloat, but it isn't the version of me that will lead to true fulfillment.
What I want now is freedom. Freedom from the weight of other people's opinions. Freedom from the belief that my value depends on performance or presentation. Freedom from the internalized scarcity that whispers that I am "not enough" unless everything around me is carefully controlled.
I am learning, slowly but surely, that my worth is not conditional. I am learning that I can build a life based on thriving, not just surviving. I am learning to trust my own voice more than the imagined judgments of others. And most importantly, I am learning that growth doesn't come from perfection — it comes from awareness, compassion, and the willingness to let go of old survival strategies that no longer serve me.
Understanding how I operate, why I react the way I do, and what truly drives my behaviors is not just fascinating — it is transformative. This exploration is the pathway to becoming the version of myself who is grounded, whole, and anchored in self-acceptance. And that is the direction I am committed to moving in: not toward perfection, but toward peace.
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your physician or other qualified health professionals with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Never disregard or delay seeking professional medical advice based on information you have read here.
