The Mirror - Relationships
Relationships are an essential component of our lives. When we are young, we find ourselves surrounded by relationships. We ultimately have no choice but to accept the closest relationship in our lives as the model for forming relationships with others for the rest of our lives. We develop relationships early in life with our caregivers and we learn from the start to role model what we learned about relationships with the individuals around us. We are in a constant state of comparison to what a healthy relationship should be. Only when we challenge our own dynamics and views on relationships can we sort out and develop our own healthy relationships. We are in control of our relationship destiny.
Our relationships as children can heavily influence how we perceive and develop adult relationships. If the direct observable relationships we have in our lives display positivity and affection, then we will observe a healthy relationship. Suppose we are exposed to relationships where the two individuals fight or do not trust one another. In that case, we grow up unconsciously thinking our partner in the relationship cannot be trusted. Relationship role modeling is a big deal.
Relationships are essential, so I want to share the impact of the relationships around me during my childhood. There was not one "healthy" relationship for me to learn from. How can I be an adequate partner, prioritize the needs of others over mine, or love unconditionally? It would take me years and a lot of heartache before I would even start to truly understand how to be in a healthy relationship. It is still a work, even as I write these words. Relationships are meaningful because they teach us how to share our lives with another person on an intense level.
Literally, not one person in my immediate family or family friends circle had a healthy relationship that could serve as a role model for me growing up. I remember seeing my friend's parents, who were so happy and loving towards each other, and I was envious of the intimacy I observed around them. The affection and love were deep, and they vibrated throughout the house. As you can imagine, I will spend the next couple of decades of my adult life trying to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. I will make mistakes; of course, I have made many relational mistakes. I will learn the hard way with many aspects of my adult connections with friends, family, and lovers.
My parents divorced when I was young, and I spent most of my childhood around my paternal grandparents, whose relationship was disconnected, as they slept in separate beds and rarely showed affection. My grandfather, a great man, spent his days tending to geese, chickens, and pigeons "down in the woods" while my grandmother managed the household. Though their relationship wasn't adversarial, there was a noticeable friction at family events, and it seemed more like a marriage of convenience than love. I have three aunts on my father's side: one was married and divorced and now remarried to the same guy, while the other two never married. Despite their long-term relationships with men, love seemed absent. My father's family was much more present during my upbringing compared to my mother's side, as my maternal grandmother passed away when I was just six months old. These relationships, though they lasted, often felt broken and disconnected. In considering what a healthy relationship truly means, I hope to break this cycle for future generations, ensuring I fully embody a deeper, more connected approach to relationships.
In reflecting on the relationships that surrounded me growing up, I see how deeply they have shaped my understanding of love, partnership, and connection. Despite not having a model of a healthy relationship in my immediate family, I now recognize the importance of challenging the dynamics I observed and learned. Relationships are powerful—they shape who we are and how we approach the world. While it took me years of heartache and mistakes to understand what a healthy relationship truly looks like, I am committed to breaking the cycle of disconnection and fostering meaningful, supportive bonds. Moving forward, I strive to embody the love and connection that were missing in my early experiences, not just for myself, but as a role model for future generations.
