The Mirror - Shame
Many of you who have read my content or know me personally or professionally know that I am a huge fan of Brené Brown. So much of her work connects and speaks to me on many levels, professionally and personally. One of Brené's most powerful connections with the human experience is the concept of shame and how we are constantly trying to avoid shame. We often doubt our abilities because of shame, whether we were taught shame at a young age or shame is something that we've learned as an older adult from failing and deciding not to try again.
According to Brené Brown, everyone experiences shame at one time or another. In her research, she defines shame as:
"The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
Brené also discusses the importance of shame versus guilt; she refers to shame as "I am bad" versus guilt—"I did something bad." It's also important to note that shame exponentially grows through secrecy. When you hide behind something and feel shameful, it multiplies and morphs into something evil. Talking about shame to your friends or loved ones is a meaningful way to eliminate the negative evolution of shame.
According to psychologist Erik Erikson, there are eight stages of personal development. In regards to our topic today - Stage Two of Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages of Development is
Stage Two: Autonomy VS. Shame and Doubt (Age 18 months – 3 years)
According to Research -Key Developmental Task at this Stage: Toddlers begin asserting independence (e.g., choosing clothes, toilet training). Success leads to autonomy and confidence; overly harsh criticism or control may result in shame and self-doubt.The focus here is empowerment through autonomy and independence. Empowering young people to make independent personal choices about how they interact with their environment – like picking out their clothes, food preferences, toys, and activities they want to do. The role of the caregiver is to empower the young person to make independent choices. – Remember, as long as they are safe!
When shame happens to us at a very young age, we tend to get paralyzed at a particular moment in our lives. Certain aspects of our personality get stuck at that childhood age. And that moment of shame, regardless of what happens if we experience shame to the deepest level of our being, we may not master the opportunity of Erickson's second stage of development, autonomy versus shame and doubt. The challenging thing is if we continue to remain stuck in that shame cycle mindset, then we develop defense mechanisms, like disassociation or even striving for perfect perfection. This striving for perfection is because you never want to feel that shame again. You would do everything in your power to avoid feeling that shame, and the same with this disassociation.
It is essential to illustrate and connect with her concepts; she speaks of shame as a social tool for forming a societal role. Conforming - Brene suggested that we use the power of religion to trick people into acting and believing the way we want them to. All across the planet, there are hundreds of different faiths. How could one say that our religion is more accurate regarding the truth? I grew up in a Christian household, and my religious perspective, especially during my childhood, was based entirely on Christianity, which is one of the newer religions of this world. Using religion to shame others into acting in the way you believe in by the way you think they should act is inexcusable. As a gay man, I was shamed most of my life into believing that my inability to choose what sex or gender I was attracted to was somehow going to change if I wished or prayed enough through the eyes of religion. Shame is not specific to religion but more so to a congregation, so therefore, in my deduction, I would anticipate that my dad and his church were shameful. The shame grew into his judgment towards his son. He disconnected perfectly the idea that a young person, a child, a toddler, a young adolescent, or an adolescent could be different, and he accepted the opinion of others around him are convinced that the way they think is the best because it's herd mentality. Most people around them believe the same way, so it has to be right; my dad learned to see me as just a gay man, and that was wrong.
The goal isn’t to shame someone into improving their life—shame rarely leads to lasting change. Instead, the real aim is to help them understand the value of the change they want to make.
Take, for example, someone who wants to quit smoking. Encouraging them to go on a moderately strenuous walk or hike might reveal just how much their lung performance has been impacted. That experience can serve as a powerful, intrinsic motivator, highlighting the benefits of change through direct experience. They associate the limit they experience during the activity with a habit they have and can change.
Both intrinsic and extrinsic motivators play a remarkable role in shaping human behavior. As humans, we often can’t ignore our own limitations for long. Deep down, we carry a natural desire to grow, improve, and live better.
Do shame and compassion go hand in hand? Can you have one without the other? No, because we often use shame to point out a difference. That difference may be a body flaw, a way of thinking, an action, or a behavior. We often grow shame out of judgment, and that judgment creates toxic energy. How do you avoid shame and judgment - Live in a complete state of not judging. Let others live, let others be, and don't judge. You should not judge until you have walked a mile in my shoes - I suggest that you still cannot judge because even if you have had a similar experience, it does not mean you have walked the same path internally. Shame is an incredibly delicate perception of our daily judgments, which we believe are our opinions. We hide behind what we think is true and cast judgment on others based on our beliefs.
Shame is something we all face, but that doesn’t mean it has to control us. When we keep it hidden, it grows. But when we talk about it, when we name it, it starts to lose its power.
Again, as Brené Brown says, shame says “I am bad,” while guilt says “I did something bad.” Understanding that difference can help us be kinder to ourselves.
We all make mistakes. We all carry things we’re not proud of. But that doesn’t mean we’re unworthy of love or belonging.
The more we choose compassion—for ourselves and others—the more we break the cycle. You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. You just have to be real.
Disclaimer:
The information shared on this blog is intended for educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your physician or another qualified healthcare provider with any questions you have regarding a medical condition or your health. Never ignore or delay seeking professional guidance because of something you have read here.
