The Mirror - Emotional Roadmap
Kimberlee Roth and Dr. Freda B. Friedman provided answers to questions I have had my entire adult with their work in the book Surviving a Borderline Parent.
This one book gave me insight into all of these points of struggle:
Polarizing Thoughts
Self-deprecation
Emotional Instability
Difficulty Trusting myself and others
Feeling Shame
Feeling Guilt
Possessing a negative self-concept, including self-definition, self-esteem, self-awareness, self-expression
Difficulty Setting Appropriate Boundaries
Being Quick to Judge
Black and White Thinking
Feeling out of Sync with Others
Difficulty Regulating Emotions
Engaging in Self-Harming or Self-Defeating Behaviors
The most interesting thing about reading this book and understanding what it means to survive a borderline parent or surviving the childhood of a borderline parent was the gift of insight into how my emotional instability and approach to life has evolved. During our early years of development, we are highly susceptible to individuals around us, and we look to have our motions mirrored for healthy development. If we are happy, we look for someone to mirror our happiness. If we are sad, we look for someone to mirror our sadness. If our primary caregiver is incapable of mirroring emotions, then the development of emotions or emotional bandwidth is limited; therefore, a side effect could be children may only learn 3 to 5 different emotions.
For the past 39 years, I've navigated emotional terrain that often felt overwhelming, confusing, and isolating. Reading the book felt like holding an instructional manual — or even more, a historical roadmap — to my emotional experience. It gave me language to what I've lived through and, in doing so, offered not only validation but also clarity and healing. I'm incredibly grateful for the courage, insight, and compassion the authors brought into this work. Their words have deeply impacted my life, and I wanted to express that directly.
One important concept I want to focus on and expand upon is the mentality of polarized thinking that things are either good or bad, black or white, all or nothing. I often do this with many of my thoughts thinking about friends, who are good or all bad, my job are either all good or all bad; their are either black or white. The polarized thinking, although it may seem superficially irrelevant, does create an all-or-nothing mindset, and this creates barriers because often, as we know, the human experience is built upon fractured relationships, situations, and experiences that require more lenient and convenience, kind of sort of like living in the grey area of life.
It is also essential to understand that growing up with a parent with borderline personality disorder, I had to take the parent role extremely quickly, and when I did not have the opportunity to properly develop an identity, I created an identity that's based on a misconception of the role I was supposed to have growing up. I don't see my self-identity as stagnant; I am more fluid, and I feel like I need to be a chameleon to match the situations that I'm in. Therefore my identity of self is fractured. Another important concept to consider is when you grow up in an environment with emotional volatility from a parent, you're in a constant state of hyper-awareness. You learned to pick up on subtle cues and slight abnormalities in your environment and surroundings, including people's expressions, interactions between people, or even particular pieces of furniture or other items that may be out of place. For many, that is a blessing because they can be hyper-vigilant when there is danger. Still, when there is no expression of danger or the potential threat of danger, it is extremely taxing on the mental components of one's mind when constantly scanning for a dangerous predator. One's cortisol levels continue to be elevated above a normal state which creates problems physically for the body.
When you're in a constant state of trying to interpret and personally create happiness for others, you will find yourself making statements and self-correcting because you don't want those statements to be seen in a negative light, so if you say something negative about a friend, you automatically correct yourself because you don't want others to think that you think your friend is negative or you think this is a very insidious approach a conversation. It's recognized when you grow up in an environment where individuals do not permit you to feel or extreme emotional states of polarized thinking come back into play and you believe others have the same mindset. Therefore any negative comment about a person makes the whole person "bad".
Coming to terms with the long shadow cast by a parent's emotional instability is not a simple task, but for the first time, I feel like I have a language for the chaos I grew up in—and for the patterns I’ve carried into adulthood. What once felt like vague emotional turbulence now has definition, shape, and even a path forward. Understanding the impact of polarized thinking, hyper-vigilance, emotional suppression, and an inherited caregiver role has helped me untangle the roots of my present-day challenges. More importantly, it’s reminded me that healing is possible—and that living in the grey, developing boundaries, reclaiming identity, and practicing self-compassion are all acts of courage and rebellion against a distorted upbringing. I no longer feel alone in my experience, and that alone has been profoundly healing. This journey isn’t about blame—it’s about awareness, growth, and choosing something different for myself.
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The content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance of your physician or other qualified health professionals with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Never disregard or delay seeking professional medical advice based on information you have read here.
